One year ago today, I was sitting in a MEPS processing center, eight months pregnant, waiting on John to swear in so that I could tell him good bye. I stood with him while he waited to get the order to get on the van. He was the last person in, saying good bye to me and his unborn son. That's the first of maybe three times I've ever seen my husband cry like that.
It's been a very long, very wild year. Three weeks after John left, I was induced and gave birth to a 6 pound 6 ounce baby boy. Two months later, Balian took his first out of state trip to watch daddy graduate from Basic Training, the first time John was able to see his little boy. A month later, a plane trip to Arizona for a four day weekend. The next month, a plane trip to Virginia. In November, back to Arizona. That time, John was actually able to stay with us in our room. The best four days of my life. John came home in December for three weeks of leave (effectively putting him ten days in the hole with leave), then off to Korea (the third of the three times I've seen my husband cry so hard). We moved back to Virginia, I moved out of an old place, into a new, and I feel like I'm starting life over again with each move.
This year has not been easy for me. I'm glad everyone has such a high regard for me, saying that I'm so strong to deal with it like I have, how they wouldn't be able to. Truth is, I'm just as weak as anyone else. My tear stained pillow can recount the number of nights I've fallen asleep crying. I miss him so terribly, my heart literally aches with the pain. I can't, however, focus on that when I have a child depending on me to raise him. So I put on a happy face and forget, or a time, that I'm separated from the man whom I love above all else in this world. It's amazing what you can do when you're forced to do it.
Not a day goes by I don't wish that I had spoken up, told him not to join, but then, I'd be depriving him of his dream. He loves his career, and for that, I'm glad. I'm happy that he's found his calling, I'm happy that he's found his sense of purpose in this. I'm happy that he's happy.
I really have learned a lot about myself in the past year. I figured out I don't need my husband there to help me breathe (before he left, we were so attatched at the hip you would have mistaken us for siamese twins). I've come to the realization that I'm stronger than what I give myself credit for. I've also come to value time a whole lot more. It's amazing what just one minute can mean when you're waiting for an airline to start boarding. I've also come to realize how incredibly blessed I am to have friends and family who have held my hand throughout almost all of this.
It's not been easy, and I can't say I've enjoyed this ride (I've never like roller coasters), but we've made it this far. In seven months, he'll be home again, hopefully for at least a year and a half to make up for the year and a half lost. Until then, I'll continue despising the Army, and he'll continue doing whatever it is that he does.
It's been a very long, very wild year. Three weeks after John left, I was induced and gave birth to a 6 pound 6 ounce baby boy. Two months later, Balian took his first out of state trip to watch daddy graduate from Basic Training, the first time John was able to see his little boy. A month later, a plane trip to Arizona for a four day weekend. The next month, a plane trip to Virginia. In November, back to Arizona. That time, John was actually able to stay with us in our room. The best four days of my life. John came home in December for three weeks of leave (effectively putting him ten days in the hole with leave), then off to Korea (the third of the three times I've seen my husband cry so hard). We moved back to Virginia, I moved out of an old place, into a new, and I feel like I'm starting life over again with each move.
This year has not been easy for me. I'm glad everyone has such a high regard for me, saying that I'm so strong to deal with it like I have, how they wouldn't be able to. Truth is, I'm just as weak as anyone else. My tear stained pillow can recount the number of nights I've fallen asleep crying. I miss him so terribly, my heart literally aches with the pain. I can't, however, focus on that when I have a child depending on me to raise him. So I put on a happy face and forget, or a time, that I'm separated from the man whom I love above all else in this world. It's amazing what you can do when you're forced to do it.
Not a day goes by I don't wish that I had spoken up, told him not to join, but then, I'd be depriving him of his dream. He loves his career, and for that, I'm glad. I'm happy that he's found his calling, I'm happy that he's found his sense of purpose in this. I'm happy that he's happy.
I really have learned a lot about myself in the past year. I figured out I don't need my husband there to help me breathe (before he left, we were so attatched at the hip you would have mistaken us for siamese twins). I've come to the realization that I'm stronger than what I give myself credit for. I've also come to value time a whole lot more. It's amazing what just one minute can mean when you're waiting for an airline to start boarding. I've also come to realize how incredibly blessed I am to have friends and family who have held my hand throughout almost all of this.
It's not been easy, and I can't say I've enjoyed this ride (I've never like roller coasters), but we've made it this far. In seven months, he'll be home again, hopefully for at least a year and a half to make up for the year and a half lost. Until then, I'll continue despising the Army, and he'll continue doing whatever it is that he does.
I am sure...no more than sure...that WHEN he gets home...you will make up for that lost time. Just hang in there...
ReplyDeleteAnne, I am sitting here with a pit in my stomach and tears in my eyes. Seriously. I cannot imagine being without my spouse. I can only imagine. I am thinking of all things that I would be going through, thinking, and yet i know they are a drop of what you are actually feeling.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that God loves you. He loves you. He loves you.
There is a depth to your soul that he is forging that most people will never know. Hang with him and lean on him and he will be your "I AM".
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I was reading another blog today that sparked a controversy about the differences between having a husband that goes away for work as opposed to being a full time single mother. While I have had most these thoughts myself as a single mother there was one comment that made me think; that of being the military wife. It hit me hard, while I can worry about maybe having to do this alone for the rest of my life, that I can't imagine the worries that a military wife must face.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if your husband is in the line of danger or not but my prayers will be with you both as well as your son.