I have been really down in the dumps for the past week or two. Normallly I don't let things bother me as much as they have been lately. I've been coming down pretty hard on myself, between trying to keep the house clean, trying to take care of Balian, and arguing with John. Life just seems never ending right now, and if Jesus were to come back this minute, I'd be more than happy to jump into His arms. And that's with my irrational fear of Heaven.
I'm trying to think of the things that make me happy... Random researching, writing, reading a good book or two (hundred), sleeping, dreaming, photography... And I'm trying to get back into these things. However, when I become depressed, all of it takes a back seat. I become complacent, boring. Right now I feel like I don't really have a place in this world. I feel like the awkward kid I have never been.
I also feel too much pressure from everyone in my circle of people. Pressure to be a good mom. Pressure to be a good wife. Pressure to lose weight. Pressure to look good. Pressure to have that bubbly personality. Pressure to always put on a good front. Pressure to keep a clean home. Pressure to be a good student. Pressure to be a good Christian. Pressure to always be there for someone else when they are never there for me.
I'm starting to buckle underneath all of the pressure. And I don't know what to do. I am incredibly hard on myself, and I tend to degrade myself on a daily basis. Because I'm not living up to the examples and the pressures everyone is putting on me.
What makes me happy? Being with my son and my husband. Doing random research just because I can. Reading, writing, and photography. Dreaming. Sleeping.
But it's never enough.
I'm trying to think of the things that make me happy... Random researching, writing, reading a good book or two (hundred), sleeping, dreaming, photography... And I'm trying to get back into these things. However, when I become depressed, all of it takes a back seat. I become complacent, boring. Right now I feel like I don't really have a place in this world. I feel like the awkward kid I have never been.
I also feel too much pressure from everyone in my circle of people. Pressure to be a good mom. Pressure to be a good wife. Pressure to lose weight. Pressure to look good. Pressure to have that bubbly personality. Pressure to always put on a good front. Pressure to keep a clean home. Pressure to be a good student. Pressure to be a good Christian. Pressure to always be there for someone else when they are never there for me.
I'm starting to buckle underneath all of the pressure. And I don't know what to do. I am incredibly hard on myself, and I tend to degrade myself on a daily basis. Because I'm not living up to the examples and the pressures everyone is putting on me.
What makes me happy? Being with my son and my husband. Doing random research just because I can. Reading, writing, and photography. Dreaming. Sleeping.
But it's never enough.
Once again, repeating something I know I have told you several times. Screw everyone else. Yes, be nice, be humble, be nonjudgemental, be "christian like" but screw them the rest of the time. If they can't accept you for who you really are, they are not worth your time. Hon, at some point you are going to realize that you have to live your life the way you want to live it. You have to make your own mistakes and fix them; You have to find what works for you, not for someone else; etc. Life is TOO short for you to be so worried about everyone else. Be who you are. Another thing, something I have learned about more recently is "The Secret". Buy it and it will change your outlook completely on life, at least if you want to change.
ReplyDeleteI love you the way you are. Learn to love yourself as you are and everyone else will follow.
I agree with much of the above comment Tori. You can't dedicate so much of your valuable time worrying about what other people think of you because it is a waste. You named off all of the important things in your life and that is having Bailan and John and the things that make you personally happy. If you make changes in your life as far as weight, your relationship with God, improving as a mom, and being a good wife, do all those things because YOU want to do them. If you do them because you feel like you are supposed to you will always fall short because the reasons aren't right. You hang in there and remember I love you for being YOU. The people that really love you will all feel the same...
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous comment. You know the things that bring you joy. Be sure to make time for those things.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, my friend. Keep trusting in God. I'm here if you need me and always praying for you. Love you!