24 June 2011

To all the Men out there.

This is for the men: Stop wearing tight pants. And please! Put a shirt on! Do you have any idea how many women you are causing to lust after your amazingly tight abs and butt? Do you know how many women masturbate thinking of you hovering over them? If you had any decency, you'd dress in a sack cloth.

Now that that's out of my system...

I recently read a blog/note/message/whatever over how women need to start dressing more modestly, need to stop wearing bikini's, need to stop posting pictures of themselves in said articles of clothing because it's causing men to lust and masturbate. To their pictures. Because it could be considered soft core porn.

First off, gross. Seriously.

Secondly, WHAT??????

I agree that women, in general (which means myself included) need to start dressing in a manner that is becoming of them, being mindful of their figures and their ample *ahem* if they have any. I get it. So does every other woman out there. So why do men feel like they need to remind us, at every turn, that a woman is dressed "immodestly"? Seriously? Do they even realize what "immodesty" is?

Guys, learn some self control already. And quit blaming the women because you can't keep your hands off your penis. And thanks for proving that you are, indeed, the weaker sex.

Yes, women should dress more appropriately. No, they should not be intentionally putting risque pictures of themselves on Facebook. But seriously? A bikini? Guys, if you're going to masturbate to a girl who's wearing a bikini in a completely innocent picture, then please stay away from any pool or beach area. Please.

I think what makes me the most upset about all of this is the fact that it is all pointed at women. Women need to dress more modestly. Women need to be mindful of their surroundings. Women need to dress like they did back in the fifties or before (no ankles showing!).

And the men? Where are the articles about how men need to stop posting pictures of themselves in boxers? Or shirtless? Or flat out naked? However, when a guy does it, it's just funny. Because, you know, women don't lust. Or get addicted to porn. Because it's all about the men.

Here's a secret I've never divulged before (I was waiting to publish my auto-biography for it). I used to be addicted to porn. Yup. Me. I watched porn. So there you have it. I stopped by the aid of a loving and cherished boyfriend (now husband). I've never fallen back into it, although I do still have major lust issues (thank GOD I'm married).

I am so sick and tired of being told that I'm leading another person into sin. Know what? By telling me that, you're leading me into sin because I'm secretly reveling in the idea of grabbing a sword and lopping your penis off.

Are guys just so oblivious to the fact that women lust, too, that it becomes all about what women should do to keep their fellow man from falling? I'm feeling very medievally all of a sudden (BAD EVE! BAD!). Even if women no longer created porn or was involved in it, there would still be something else that we would be doing to make you fall.

Fact: Men think about sex every 8 seconds, while some women can go months without it crossing their mind. Men, you're going to lust regardless. So please STOP blaming the women for it and actually take control of yourselves! Stop using us as a scapegoat!

So, now that the rant is over...

Men, please be sensitive of what you are asking of women. Women do not place pictures of themselves in bikinis for your pleasure. They do not post them to make you fall or stumble. And the DEFINITELY don't post them for you to masturbate to. It's for other women, to show off to other women that we are skinnier than they are, that we can fill it out better than they can. It's for others to see and to appreciate what they see, in a completely unlustful way. Yes, I'm well aware that it is not a pure reason, and no, it's not a good Christian example (if you are a Christian), but it's the truth. Women like to be marvelled at. Thanks to your porn problem, most of us feel like the only way we can be marvelled at is if we have a perfect figure (big breasts, big butt, waist smaller than our necks). So we compensate. It's a vicious cycle. The more you look at porn, the more we're going to try to be like the women in them because you've made it abundantly clear that's what you find attractive.

So the next time you want to blame a woman for how she dresses because it's making you stumble, go take a long hard look in a mirror. You'll be looking at the reason she dresses that way.

Also, why you're at it, check out Single Dad Laughing's blog over this same discussion. He words it in a way that is so amazing.

22 June 2011

Lesson Learned

I am an incredibly selfish person. I am coming to realize this more and more every day, and I dislike it.

So yesterday I found out that, because of a tiny amount of water, my Samsung Instinct had met an untimely demise. This poor phone has been run over by a car, thrown and taken apart more times than should be appropriate, and then was brought down by a drop of water (okay, maybe more than a drop, but still). Now, imagine, if you will, me without a phone. Me, without no line of communication to the outside world. Not having a laptop I can handle, so long as I have my phone. I live off of my phone. And I'm not even lying. It's an incredibly sad realization. I went to three different stores to see what they could do about replacing my phone. The first store sad nada, the second store had a phone I wanted for more than what the retail of it was. By a lot. So the third store it was.

We have a protection plan for my phone. I pay x amount each month so that if I ever break my phone it'll be replaced. They failed to mention that I would have to pay a deductible. And they also failed to mention that it wouldn't be an immediate replacement and that I would not be given a temp phone. But they did say that they could have it to me next day.

Here's where the selfishness kicks in. I didn't know what type of replacement I was going to get. The now broken phone was an outdated model, no longer made. I had bought it incredibly cheap as a refurbed phone. Regardless, I should have sucked it up and dealt with it. But then I saw something shiny. Something with lots of gadgets and gizmos and tricks and it was PURPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have always prided myself on my levels of unselfishness. I'm a very generous person, to a fault. But that new, shiny, purple phone hooked me. It was so pretty! So instead of listening to common sense (which, funnily enough, sounded like my husband), I took the bait, the worm on the end of the hook in the shape of a purple LG Android phone. So instead of paying the deductible, which was cheaper, I bought a brand new phone, a phone I immediately fell in love with.

Needless to say, my husband (my voice of common sense) was not thrilled with this purchase. I was eaten up with guilt over it, even though he forgave me and (semi)laughed about it. The guilt was so horrible, it literally made my stomach ache. So I vowed to return the phone this morning and go for the cheaper alternative. I wanted to make everything better in my eyes so that I could feel worthy of the forgiveness my husband had shown me.

The experience at the store was a humbling one. To. Be. Sure. Not only did I have to explain to the managers what happened and why I was returning this brand new, beautiful and already personalized with Halo ringtones phone, but I had to work through the negotiations in front of the sales associate who saw me in a very distraught state the day before (I have a bad tendency to become highly emotional...). These associates had been the voice of reason, urging me to take the route that common sense had been telling me, and now, a day later, I was back attempting to rectify my mistake. It was excrutiatingly mortifying, and I could practically hear the "I told you so"'s pounding in my head.

As it turns out, I couldn't return the phone and do the insurance claim instead because I had already handed the older, broken phone over and after they've had it for a day, they won't return it. So, I happily humbly took the new phone and left.

I have had to learn a lot of hard lessons in my life, but this outshadows all of them. Although I have a great new phone, a pretty shiny new phone with pirate and Halo ringtones and lots of pretty, shiny apps, I am not exceedingly happy with it. I made a wrong decision. I gave into selfishness all too easily. I gave up patience and gave into the temptation of immediate satisfaction. I failed and I fell. Hard. It is a lesson I will not easily forget.

We are a selfish lot. There is not one person who is exempt from it, no matter how much they try. That doesn't give us an excuse to be, however. It doesn't give us an excuse to give in to our wants without thinking about the consequences or repercussions those wants will have. Instead, we should focus on our needs, and try to meet our needs with as little ripples to other areas of our life as we can possibly make.

I've learned to listen to that voice in the back of my head, that thing called reason. Common sense still eludes me, though I am making strides to capture it.

Lesson learned.

19 June 2011

Updates on Balian

It is absolutely amazing how fast children grow. I mean, did I seriously push this tiny thing out a year ago? It feels like so much longer than that. So here is an update on what my now one year old baby boy has been up to and doing.

His new favorite word is "thank you". He says it for everything. If he hands you something, he says "thank you". Playing with the dog, he says "thank you". Talking to his daddy, he says "thank you". If he drops something, he says "thank you". He can also say "clock", "daddy", "mama", has attempted to say "alligator", bye bye", and "dog/doggy". He's pretty much an expert and blowing raspberries and loves to imitate the dog growls. Scotty brought a toy into the living room to play one day and Balian decided he wanted it, so he tried to grab it out of Scotty's mouth. When Scotty wouldn't let go, Balian leaned in close and started growling at him. I think I laughed until I peed, no lie!

Balian can climb up the stairs, down one or two steps, climb onto the couch and chairs, can almost climb out of his playpen, crawls, can stand on his own, it's just getting him to do it that's the issue. One of his new favorite activities is to grab your hands and drag you to wherever he's wanting to go. It's the only way he'll walk, but he loves it. He'll take you on a tour of the house if you'd let him.

Balian can also blow kisses, make the kissy noise, squish his face, do the "this big", swipe my debit card and type my pin onto the pin pad. And if you think I'm lying about that last part, ask the lady at the Post Office.

Balian is, above all else, hyper. This kid goes non stop daily, chasing after shadows, getting into my cabinets, playing with pots and pans. One of his new favorite activities is getting Scotty's dog food and throwing it around to make Scotty chase after it and eat it. If Scotty decides he doesn't want to eat anymore, Balian will chase him down and, almost literally, shove the food down his throat. I have to watch him, though, because he's picked up the habit of actually eating the dog food.

He is now forward facing and enjoys it. He loves it when I reach back and play with his feet and he likes being able to see everything. He is very nosy... I wouldn't know where he got that from...

And that's one year old Balian in a nut shell. He loves to read, play, and flirt. He's mommy's little devil disguised as an angel and daddy's little buddy. He is just 100% himself.

18 June 2011

Beginning again...

In case you just haven't noticed at all, I've taken somewhere between 1000 and 2000 pictures with my DSLR, a Sony a33. I am in LOVE with this camera. I'm loving figuring out the different features and figuring out what settings are best for what I'm doing.

However.

I've noticed that the quality of composition in my pictures has gone downhill. Bad. I've lost focus on what I loved most about photography. I have become the same as about 90% of photographers today, hiding behind their equipment instead of unlocking their talent and potential. So I've decided to start over. Completely over. Kind of over.

I realized that what made my pictures on my point and shoot so good was that I focused more on the composition of the shot, rather than the camera itself because it was, to be honest, a crappy camera. I'm going to try to, for a time, forget about the bells and whistles of my camera and stick to what I know, auto mode and the scene modes, which kills me because I'm not going to be able to control ISO and white balance and all that... But I know this is where I need to start to get back to where I need to be.

I'm only an amateur, and will probably only ever be an amateur. But I've always been proud to hang my own photos on my walls. I want to get back to that.

Yes, this is a random blog. But there ya go. :)

13 June 2011

No "weigh" around it...

I weigh approximately 190 pounds. I gained close to seventy pounds while I was pregnant with Balian, and I'm finding it near impossible to lose it in a steady manner. I eat pretty well, lots of veggies and whole grains, lots of fruit and water. I'm slowly working on getting to the gym to work out. I try to be as active as I can be during the day (having a one year old makes that pretty easy).

All of that, and I still don't feel good enough. It's one thing to tell yourself that you're fat and need to lose weight. It's another thing to hear it from someone you love, no matter how lovingly they tell it to you.

So that's pretty much been my morning. Looking through Balian's birthday pictures, realizing that I'm larger than I should be, asking my husband about it, and hearing him say that he misses his skinny wife. My poor hubby. I love him to death, and I love how honest he is, but he needs to learn some tact... Granted, it didn't help that I was fishing for it...

I really am trying to lose weight. But it still hurts like hell when others point out how big I am (aww! He's expecting a brother or sister soon, isn't he!), especially when I don't feel that big at all. When I look in the mirror, I don't see my weight. I just see me. So why can't others see that as well? Why can't we all look past the physical side of another person and just see who they are for who they are?

Yes, I need to lose the weight. I am going to lose the weight (at least 40 or 50 pounds). But I'm still happy where I am. I just wish others were as happy with it.

11 June 2011

Reflections on a One Year Old

In about three and a half hours, it will no longer be a first birthday. Today has been full of... Alot. I woke up late, the house was not clean, and I had some of my in-laws arriving to help at 10:30, per my request. So I'm rushing around, cleaning up from dinner, throwing laundry into a basket to put it upstairs, taking the dog out so he is fit to spend the rest of the afternoon in my room. Got Balian dressed, Nana and Gramps arrived and helped placate Balian. A friend of mine arrived shortly after to help me start decorating. As soon as we got started, I had to leave to pick up the cake, get a veggie plate for snacks, and pick up a few foil balloons to add to the decorations. I'm in freak out mode by this time. I get back, we blow up a God awful amount of balloons, hang streamers, set out food, and guests begin to arrive. John gets on Skype and is immediately overrun by relatives who've not seen him since January. We eat, then open presents, then dig into the cupcakes. Balian was getting fussy, until he got that cupcake. He didn't make a huge mess with it, at least, not anywhere that wasn't on him. So upstairs to give him a bath, attempting to avoid more inlaws, late arrival guest show up, still trying to be in hostess mode and keep track of my child, who, by now, is running around naked in his bedroom. Finally, people start leaving, and soon, it's only four of us. My night becomes calmer, and I start to ease up a bit. We go out to eat then part ways. Clean up is almost finished, and Balian is entertaining himself by pulling lint from in between the couch cushions, putting it in a different spot, then pulling it back out and putting it back to where it originally was. Repeat x100.



I have decided that first birthday parties are not for the child who is turning one. It's mainly for the parents. It's a celebration of, "We're good parents! He made it through his first year! We didn't kill him/disown him/committ suicide!" It's also a bit of a show off. In the back of your mind, you're thinking of a particular first birthday party that you've seen or been to that you're trying to outdo. It's not always a conscious effort, but it's there. Being a parent is anything but peaceful. If it is, get your child off the meds. There are peaceful moments, but it's more stress than anything. A happy stress, but stress none the less.

Right now I'm watching Balian put a little figure into a car. He's a year old. How does he know to do that? This kid is amazingly brilliant. He can blow kisses, say thank you, mama, dada, dog, kitty, gramps, and clock. And he's said alligator twice before. I must be doing something right, right?

My advice to mom's approaching the one year mark.
1. Don't throw the party at your house. It's a lot less stressful to do it at a park or someone else's house even.
2. Kroger makes amazing cakes. End of story.
3. Do healthy alternatives, like a veggie plate, or a meat and cracker plate, other than pizza and chips. Seriously. You're eating cake. Try to balance it out.
4. Make sure that something is under the high chair to catch the mess. Preferable something large and plastic so you can just throw it away. And keep them away from walls.
5. Helium balloons make a different pop sound than regular, carbon dioxide filled balloons. And it has a tendency to scare children.
6. Order a cake and order food. Don't make them yourself. Cut out the unneeded stress. Money is not important. Your happiness is.
7. Have one person holding the camcorder, another doing the camera. Don't attempt to do them both yourself. It doesn't work.
8. If you're holding the party at your house, put anything valuable in your room, then lock the door. Something always, invariable, goes missing, either by accident or on purpose.
9. Let your child eat the piece with the most icing.
10. Have fun. Remember, you're celebrating a year. These little lives go by so quickly. You can redo almsot any event in your life (like your wedding) but your child will only turn a year old once. Give yourself a pat on the back, and celebrate making it this far.

Now, pour yourself a drink, and prepare for the next 17 years.

07 June 2011

I Heart Faces Weekly Challenge


This weeks challenge was "From a Distance". Here is my entry! It's Balian out at Peaks View Park! This is my first time entering the challenge, and I'm a little overwhelmed. Everyone's work is so good! I guess that's why I'm a beginner, to learn!






Head over to I heart Faces to join in on the fun!


06 June 2011

Why I Blog

Today I  have spent the better part of two hours reworking my blogs and adding two new ones to the mix. It made me start thinking and asking myself about why I blog so much, why I put so much of my life out there for the world to read. I came up with two different answers.

The first answer is this: I put what I've learned, what I've been through, how I feel on blogs, I write it all, so that maybe I can help someone else who is going through the same thing. You never know who might be reading your blog. If I can inspire one person, then it's well worth the time.

The second answer? It's for me. And there are a few reasons that I do this for me. Firstly, I have an incredibly horrible memory, as in, I have no memory. If I don't write it down (or type it) then I have and will forget it. Anything from paying bills, to doctor's appointments, to birthdays (I spent the first half of Balian's life trying to remember if he was born on the 10th or the 11th of June). My memory is that bad. So I write and I blog to capture how I was feeling, what I was thinking, at a precise time. It's a memory archive that can't be erased (unless blogger shut down... then I'm just screwed).
   Secondly, I write for encouragement, for criticism, and for praise. I daily need encouragement. Life is hard, and I believe that we should spend time building each other up. I encourage others in different ways. I'm always someones cheerleader. Sometimes, I just want that returned. I'm also open to constructive criticism (don't just tear me down to tear me down, give me ideas on how I can work to become better). I need and crave advice. Sometimes I just can't see things from others points of views, so I need them to show me how to improve. And I just love praise (who doesn't???)!! I love hearing that I've done a good job. This kind of ties in with encouragement.

So that's why I blog, and that's why I will continue to blog. It's a mental release of ideas and thoughts that are written in a way more permanent (and less painful) than paper. I am always open to ideas and thoughts, all I ask is to be considerate of mine.

04 June 2011

Fix it Friday!



This weeks Fix it Friday for I Heart Faces was difficult. It was an awesome picture to begin with, so most things that you could do with it took away from the essence of the picture! However, here are the edits that I did on Photoshop CS5:


First Edit:
1.) Changed Brightness level to -62.
2.) Changed Contrast to 60.
3.) Underneath Color Balance:
      a. Changed Cyan/Red to +31
      b. Changed Magenta/Green to -1
      c. Changed Yellow/Blue to -15
4.) Changed Saturation to +9.
5.) Changed Lightness to -2.

The following changes are all edits to the first edit.

Second Edit:
1.) Cropped from 5616/3744 Pixels to 4734/3744 Pixels
2.) Changed Saturation to +13
3.) Using the free form tool, I selected the entire area around Weslea, then changed that area to black/white.
4.) Again, using the free form tool, I selected her, then changed the Vibrance to -65 and the Saturation to -40.

Third Edit:
1.) Crop from 5616/3744 Pixels to 3328/3318
2.) Changed Vibrance to +13 and Saturation to +18.
3.) Changed Cyan/Red to +8, Magenta/Green to +9, and Yellow/Blue to -15.
  I like the colors in this one, but I'm not a fan of the cropping. To me, it takes the focus away from Weslea and onto the tree.

Fourth Edit:
1.) Using the free form tool, I selected the entire background and changed it to black and white.

Fifth Edit:
1.) Starting from the fourth edit, I selected everything but Weslea's cape to put in black and white.


So out of all the edits, I like 1, 2, and 3 the best. John likes 1, 3, and 5. I believe that the full color works best for this picture, instead of some or full black and white. I've just learned how to change part of the color, so I've been doing that a lot (I know, I'm so behind). This was a fun picture to work with! I can't wait for the next!







****PLEASE NOTE!! DO NOT SHARE ANY OF THESE PICTURES FOR YOUR OWN!! THESE ARE NOT MINE, BUT THE ORIGINAL OWNER'S WHO GRANTED PERMISSION FOR EDITS FOR FIX IT FRIDAY'S!

02 June 2011

Learning to let go.




   Today was the first day I have ever let Balian eat on his own. We had a late dinner due to me being camera happy and locking us out of the house. We sat down to eat, me with my chicken, shallots, and mac and cheese, Balian with his turkey and rice baby meal thing, and Balian immediately started fussing. This has become a nightly occurence with him. If I can get the spoon in his mouth then we are okay (at least for a few minutes), but it can be a near impossibility. Once he sees the spoon coming, he buries his face in the side of his high chair. So tonight, I tried something different, something I've put off doing for various reasons I'll explain in a moment. Spurred on by a picture of a friend's baby happily covered in food after feeding himself, I passed Balian his little bowl and the spoon.

He had a blast. The fussy little boy that had been just a few minutes disappeared as this new boy took his place, happily testing out a new found independence that I've been denying him.

I've been telling myself, as well as others, that the reason I have not let him eat on his own is because of mess. Babies, in general, once they start learning to feed themselves, become very messy. I dislike mess, mainly because I'm lazy and mess means that I have to clean, and I hate cleaning. However, as I ate my dinner and watched Balian mainly play in his, I realized that the mess was not the real reason I haven't been letting him be more independent. It's because I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to let go to the little baby that depended on me for everything. I'm not ready to see him take his first steps. I'm not ready for him to no longer need me.

It's a bittersweet moment that every parent goes through, watching their children grow and become adults, right before our eyes, seemingly in a matter of minutes instead of years.

Today, while we were driving down the road, I stuck my hand over his seat to play with his hair. He reached up and grabbed my fingers and just held them. I stroked his little fingers with my thumb, enjoying the moment. When I stopped caressing them, he started moving his fingers over mine, copying what I had been doing moments earlier. I nearly started to cry. This is my little boy, my angel, sometimes demon. He loves what I love and craves for my attention. I'm not ready for this to end.

I'm not ready to let go and let my baby grow up. It's happening, though, whether I'm ready or not.