You Learn From Your Mistakes

I received an email a week or so ago telling me that I had been withdrawn from my math class because of failure to attend for 21 consecutive days. There's no excuse for it. I became caught up in my three other classes and neglected the last. I appealed to be let back into the class, but they denied it, so I will not be graduating this year. However, I do still plan on finishing my English degree somewhere, I'm just not sure when.

I need a break from college. I need to figure out what I want, what my desires are, what I see my future as. I've wasted five and a half years in college, and it's easier said than done to go back and recover all of my mistakes.

It started with trying to declare a minor. I took about 30-50 hours worth of excess credits because I couldn't decide if I wanted to minor in anything, and what that minor would be. My life would have been so much easier if I had just skipped out on the minor all together. I could have graduated last year. My next mistakes were made out of pure laziness. I didn't accomplish any work. I scraped by in my classes, barely managing a "C" in the classes for my major, "D" in my core classes. It's not like the work was hard. If I had put even an hour into the work a day, I would have made "A's" and "B's". I just didn't want to put that effort forth. I spent most of my days hanging out with people, socializing. I treated it just like I had treated high school. Except I graduated high school with a 3.7 GPA. I failed out of college with a 1.98 GPA.

So many loans I now have to repay, every cent of it wasted on my "education". I'm pretty highly upset at myself. And the berating I'm giving myself is nothing compared to what's waiting from family.

I can't really say that, if I did it all over again, I would change, because I don't know that. I failed mainly out of pure laziness, and the only cure for that is to get past it, to move on with life. I will finish my degree at some point, but I don't know if that will be right now. I'm definitely not going to say that this is what God had/has in store for me, that it's His will, etc, because that's a load of Bull. I'm pretty sure God is just as pissed at me for failing as I am disappointed in myself.

So my plans for right now just include working and being a mom and wife. I'm going to focus and cultivate hobbies and passions, and create new goals for myself. I am going to try to live my life the way I want my kids to, because I will be their ultimate example. If I'm lazy, they will be, too. If I have a temper, then they will, too (and Balian's already proven that one).

So there you have it. I've failed out of college, missing one credit to graduate with a degree I didn't really want but everyone said I needed. I'm not proud of this, but maybe, if I go back, I'll go because I want to, not because it's what everyone tells me I need to do. I've grown and learned throughout this.

Some habits are hard to break, and some just can't be broken at all.