To Die in Glory, and to Live in Eternity

  So just finished watching Gladiator, the film starring Russell Crowe directed by Ridley Scott (AMAZING movie if you haven't seen it), and I spent the end of it balling my eyes out. Why? Because death scares the shit out of me. I didn't come to this realization for a bit (at first i thought it was because *SPOILER ALERT* Russell Crowe died, I mean seriously, who'd want to kill him?), but after some consideration I figured out that was the reason (among others) of why I had such an emotional reaction.

I am a follower of Christ (still working out issues with the whole "Christianity" bit) and I do believe that I will go to Heaven after I die (don't quite care how or when, just so long as I'm there), but the concept of Heaven and the concept of death scares me.

To my small and immature mind, Heaven is a very scary place. I'm terrified of arriving and not seeing my family. I don' t think many of you realize the importance that I place on my family. They are my absolute life. To be someplace without my husband or my son would be Hell for me. I don't want riches or gold or gates of pearl or whatever (I'm seriously not materialistic). I just want an eternity with the ones I love, and the fact that I do not know if I will have that or not terrifies me. There are surprisingly few descriptions of Heaven in the Bible, so I am at a loss as to what to expect. The not knowing irritates me. I trust my God because that's all I know how or what to do, but I truly wish He would give me some type of hint or something on what I can expect once I get up there... geez...

Death, even when expected, has a profound influence on people. My roommate Katie came home from Spring Break Sunday night. She was walking in and out of the house bringing her stuff in from her car. On one of her last trips in, she looks at me with big eyes and says, "Hey, there are two guys out here looking for you. They're wearing suits and I think they're from the Army." Mind you, it's about 9 PM. They only reason Army guys in suits would ever visit you that late would be to tell you that your husband (or wife or son or what not) is dead. I don't think I took a breath as I grabbed Balian up and went to peek outside. Apparently Katie is blind because they were Mormons trying to convince us to convert, but still. The only thought going through my mind at that time was that something had happened to John, that he was gone. I have to live with the thought that every day, every Skype conversation, could be my last one with him, because you just never know, especially in his line of work. I am good with change, I embrace it. But not that type of change. That type of change, I don't know if I would ever fully recover. It scares the living hell out of me, the thought of losing my family. When Balian was first born until John came home on leave in December, he slept by my bed in his bassinet, literally by my head. All I had to do was reach in there and touch him to be sure he was okay. I have placed so much value into my family that I'm not sure what I'd do if anything were to ever happen to them.

I thank God, every day, that I have my family. I thank Him for a healthy son and for protecting my husband. I know that, one day, all of it will be gone, and this is why I weep. I will enjoy spending eternity praising my Creator, but I think I will feel like something is missing, until I am reunited with those I loved while alive. Then, and only then, can I be truly happy. I want what Maximus had. In those last moments, to see my family, waiting for me, to die in glory, to be reunited, and to live in peace.