31 March 2011

You Learn From Your Mistakes

I received an email a week or so ago telling me that I had been withdrawn from my math class because of failure to attend for 21 consecutive days. There's no excuse for it. I became caught up in my three other classes and neglected the last. I appealed to be let back into the class, but they denied it, so I will not be graduating this year. However, I do still plan on finishing my English degree somewhere, I'm just not sure when.

I need a break from college. I need to figure out what I want, what my desires are, what I see my future as. I've wasted five and a half years in college, and it's easier said than done to go back and recover all of my mistakes.

It started with trying to declare a minor. I took about 30-50 hours worth of excess credits because I couldn't decide if I wanted to minor in anything, and what that minor would be. My life would have been so much easier if I had just skipped out on the minor all together. I could have graduated last year. My next mistakes were made out of pure laziness. I didn't accomplish any work. I scraped by in my classes, barely managing a "C" in the classes for my major, "D" in my core classes. It's not like the work was hard. If I had put even an hour into the work a day, I would have made "A's" and "B's". I just didn't want to put that effort forth. I spent most of my days hanging out with people, socializing. I treated it just like I had treated high school. Except I graduated high school with a 3.7 GPA. I failed out of college with a 1.98 GPA.

So many loans I now have to repay, every cent of it wasted on my "education". I'm pretty highly upset at myself. And the berating I'm giving myself is nothing compared to what's waiting from family.

I can't really say that, if I did it all over again, I would change, because I don't know that. I failed mainly out of pure laziness, and the only cure for that is to get past it, to move on with life. I will finish my degree at some point, but I don't know if that will be right now. I'm definitely not going to say that this is what God had/has in store for me, that it's His will, etc, because that's a load of Bull. I'm pretty sure God is just as pissed at me for failing as I am disappointed in myself.

So my plans for right now just include working and being a mom and wife. I'm going to focus and cultivate hobbies and passions, and create new goals for myself. I am going to try to live my life the way I want my kids to, because I will be their ultimate example. If I'm lazy, they will be, too. If I have a temper, then they will, too (and Balian's already proven that one).

So there you have it. I've failed out of college, missing one credit to graduate with a degree I didn't really want but everyone said I needed. I'm not proud of this, but maybe, if I go back, I'll go because I want to, not because it's what everyone tells me I need to do. I've grown and learned throughout this.

Some habits are hard to break, and some just can't be broken at all.

29 March 2011

Temper Tantrums

I swear Balian is hitting his terrible two's a year early. If I am not doing what he wants exactly when he wants it, I get yelled at. The kid is rotten. All because of a sippy cup. I've started trying to get him to use the sippy cup that has a straw instead of the spout because this kid is way to lazy to hold the cup up to get the juice. He'll just sit there and suck on it. And it's not one of those "if he wants it badly enough he'll learn to hold it up" things. No, this kid is waaaaay too stubborn. So I bought him the straw one. If he's in a good mood, he'll take it, try it for a minute, then throw it away. If he's in a bad mood, like today, he'll pitch a fit because it's not what he wants. Today he threw himself backwards onto the tile floor and knocked his head. I've had many a parent tell me to just let him cry it out because he'll stop eventually. Nope. That doesn't work either. He'll pitch a fit for an hour, sometimes two, just depends on how long it takes him to pass out from loss of energy or for me to take pity on him and pick him back up. I wish I knew what was going on in that little brain of his.

Temper tantrums, while annoying, is pretty acceptable in a kid that's three or younger. However, it's not cute at all when pitched by a teen or an adult. So why do we accept attitudes and behavior in pre-schoolers that we won't accept in older kids and adults? I've been wondering this for a while now. Generally it's because we, as adults, feel like a child "doesn't know any better", so it's okay. However, a mentally unstable adult "doesn't know any better" either, but still gets thrown in jail for breaking the law. An immigrant may not know better, but will still be punished for his actions.

Obviously I'm not advocating putting out kids in jail if they do something socially unacceptable (unless it's pretty severe, like murder). My view is that it's a double standard. Babies and kids are a lot smarter than psychologist, behaviorist, and doctor's give them credit for. Babies can manipulate situations as early as four or five months because they've learned that certain things they do will either earn attention or repel it. My ten month old knows what the word "No" means. He just chooses to ignore it, and when he does, he gets in trouble. I know some parents let their kid get away with everything until they hit about four, and then start trying to discipline them. I don't understand these people. The older they are, the harder it is to teach them what is socially or morally acceptable and what is not. If you start teaching them, even in small ways, from the time they are born, they learn much quicker and it saves so much heart ache and disciplining.

And I'm saying all of this as my son is falling asleep where he sits, exhausted from the past 45 minutes of screaming.

I'm not a psychologist, sociologist, doctor... I'm a mom. I'm open to other views and opinions on questions like this because I know that my view is not perfect.

If I have made you think, to use your brain, for even a fraction of a second, then my work is accomplished.

24 March 2011

To Die in Glory, and to Live in Eternity

  So just finished watching Gladiator, the film starring Russell Crowe directed by Ridley Scott (AMAZING movie if you haven't seen it), and I spent the end of it balling my eyes out. Why? Because death scares the shit out of me. I didn't come to this realization for a bit (at first i thought it was because *SPOILER ALERT* Russell Crowe died, I mean seriously, who'd want to kill him?), but after some consideration I figured out that was the reason (among others) of why I had such an emotional reaction.

I am a follower of Christ (still working out issues with the whole "Christianity" bit) and I do believe that I will go to Heaven after I die (don't quite care how or when, just so long as I'm there), but the concept of Heaven and the concept of death scares me.

To my small and immature mind, Heaven is a very scary place. I'm terrified of arriving and not seeing my family. I don' t think many of you realize the importance that I place on my family. They are my absolute life. To be someplace without my husband or my son would be Hell for me. I don't want riches or gold or gates of pearl or whatever (I'm seriously not materialistic). I just want an eternity with the ones I love, and the fact that I do not know if I will have that or not terrifies me. There are surprisingly few descriptions of Heaven in the Bible, so I am at a loss as to what to expect. The not knowing irritates me. I trust my God because that's all I know how or what to do, but I truly wish He would give me some type of hint or something on what I can expect once I get up there... geez...

Death, even when expected, has a profound influence on people. My roommate Katie came home from Spring Break Sunday night. She was walking in and out of the house bringing her stuff in from her car. On one of her last trips in, she looks at me with big eyes and says, "Hey, there are two guys out here looking for you. They're wearing suits and I think they're from the Army." Mind you, it's about 9 PM. They only reason Army guys in suits would ever visit you that late would be to tell you that your husband (or wife or son or what not) is dead. I don't think I took a breath as I grabbed Balian up and went to peek outside. Apparently Katie is blind because they were Mormons trying to convince us to convert, but still. The only thought going through my mind at that time was that something had happened to John, that he was gone. I have to live with the thought that every day, every Skype conversation, could be my last one with him, because you just never know, especially in his line of work. I am good with change, I embrace it. But not that type of change. That type of change, I don't know if I would ever fully recover. It scares the living hell out of me, the thought of losing my family. When Balian was first born until John came home on leave in December, he slept by my bed in his bassinet, literally by my head. All I had to do was reach in there and touch him to be sure he was okay. I have placed so much value into my family that I'm not sure what I'd do if anything were to ever happen to them.

I thank God, every day, that I have my family. I thank Him for a healthy son and for protecting my husband. I know that, one day, all of it will be gone, and this is why I weep. I will enjoy spending eternity praising my Creator, but I think I will feel like something is missing, until I am reunited with those I loved while alive. Then, and only then, can I be truly happy. I want what Maximus had. In those last moments, to see my family, waiting for me, to die in glory, to be reunited, and to live in peace.

Put A Little Spring in your Step

Spring is that time of year where everyone pulls out their gardening gloves, their tanning lotions, shorts, flip flops, and prepares themselves for the Summer. Spring is the time of blooming flowers. It's symbolic of the renewing of life, as everything that was once dead (flora wise at least) springs back to life. Mild temperatures replace the bitter cold and driving rain replaces the blinding snow. There are more smiling faces, more friendly hello's as the human population springs from their hibernation. Spring is most everyone's favorite time of year.

Except for me.

Spring is, by far, my least favorite season of the year. I dislike Spring for many, many reasons. For one, there's Daylight Savings Time. It's been over a week, and I still don't feel adjusted. Spring takes an hour of my life away to fulfill its own dark plans. Seriously, why are we even still using that system? It's a far outdated system. If farmers want to work longer, put up some stadium lighting or something! I get little sleep as it is. Don't take anymore away!

One word: Pollen. The enemy of noses everywhere. I haaaaaaaaaaaate allergies, of which pollen is the worse allergen for me. And it's EVERYWHERE. It rained last night. My car is now covered in this evil spore. If I wash my car, an hour later it's an ugly mix between the pretty red of the paint and the horrid yellow of the pollen. My sinuses swell, get stopped up, and i end up with days upon days of sinus migraines.

Add to the evilness that is pollen the bi-polar temperature, and it makes for a very aggravating and miserable few months.

The flowers are pretty, the grass is green, but I'll skip Spring. Wake me when Summer starts.

Unforgivable Sins

I feel like I am a pretty easy going person in general. There's not a lot that gets me rattled or gets me upset or hurt or whatever. I am also incredibly forgiving. I would forgive an ax murderer for maiming me, killing me, etc. I for serious would. There are only four things that, while I can and will forgive you for, it will cost you my trust for ever. One of them is hurting any member of my family. DO NOT talk trash about my family, hurt them emotionally, physically, etc. I WILL pour sugar down your gas tank. And that's not a lie. Another thing is if you've hurt me more than two or three times. It's one of those, you say that you're sorry but you're not. You continue on the same path that you originated on, no matter what you say. I can take a lot of crap, but even I have my limits. They've only been pushed to the max a couple of times. If you ever happen to push them, don't be surprised that I don't talk to you. Also, I will only confront you once or twice about it. If nothing has changed after those times, it's not going to change and I'm done beating myself up over it. In my book, you're written off.

There are two things, however, that I do have trouble forgiving in anyone: fakeness and talking about someone behind their backs. 

I can not stand fake people. I'm incredibly up front with people. I have a tendency to say whatever is on my mind when it's on my mind. I don't hide my feelings from others because I also have a bad habit of, when I keep things bottled in for too long, exploding. So it bothers me when others can not just say what is on their mind, but have to put up a front instead. If you don't like someone, don't act like you like them.

Secondly, don't talk behind my back. Ever. I will find out, and I will be pissed. This almost goes hand in hand with the fakeness. If you have something to say, say it to my face. I will reciprocate that back to you. If I have a problem with you, I will vent about it first (mainly so that I don't explode at you later), then I will confront you about the problem. That's how I am. I refuse to play around and skirt around issues because that kind of action gets us nowhere.

So there you have it. If you want a surefire way to piss me off, do one of the above mentioned things. I'm a very forgiving person, but don't screw around with me. I will make you miserable or pour sugar into your gas tank.

And, whatever you do... Don't. Lie. To. Me.

20 March 2011

Where i talk about overly dramatic interpretations of life.

Balian has spent the last thirty minutes crying and pitching an all out fit. Over what? I have no earthly idea. It started when i handed him a sippy cup. This comical expression came over his face, like the end of the world had come, and he started crying, as if i had ruined his entire life because of that sippy cup. Now anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows that i tend to be overly dramatic about EVERYTHING. I take emotions to the extreme. I can be incredibly happy or incredibly sad; incredibly angry or incredibly blah. There is no mediation where that is concerned, it's one extreme or it's the other. And apparently i have passed that down into Balian. He can be the happiest baby in the world one moment, the most miserable a minute after that. All because of a sippy cup.

We tend to be more understanding of babies and young children being incredibly dramatic, yet we criticize teenagers and up for it. I was called a "Drama Queen" for most of my teenage life by my family. Not because i was always involved with issues of one type or another, but because i have an overly dramatic interpretation of life. If I found out that someone was talking about me behind my back, i would become seriously pissed, blasphemy their name to anyone who would listen, become incredibly hurt and maybe cry, then calm down and become their best friend again (i'm also incredibly forgiving... to a fault). I think my mom became greatly confused by this. As an adult (i can't believe i'm calling myself that), i'm not as bad as i used to be, but i still tend to overplay things. I've mellowed out some, yet every once in a while i still have that tendency to dramaticize and blow of out proportion some situation or another. It's not for attention. It's just the way that i am.

And i am criticized for it. A lot. Why do people feel like they have to criticize the very things that make you, you? Those things that make you unique and special? I tend to say jealousy. We live in a society that values the cookie cutter mold, where everyone is expected to act a certain age in certain social situations. The person that breaks that mold is frowned upon and told to stop acting so immature. I believe that being immature is one thing, but being true to yourself is another thing entirely. I'm not advocating going into a restaurant and being as barbaric as possible (hopefully that's not in your nature). I'm only wondering why, if we as Christians and as Americans advocate love to everyone, we only love those that fit our mold of how others should act. Shouldn't we be the first to cherish the very quirks that make us all individuals? If we started embracing the individualism in ourselves, maybe then we'd be able to embrace the uniqueness in others.

19 March 2011

Where I talk about books and crying it out.

I have three great passions in my life: photography, writing, and books. I am in love with books, the look, the smell, all of it. I was at Barnes and Noble today and realized that if i ever won a million dollars, it would more than likely all go there. I've been on a big classic kick as of late (I now have The Man in the Iron Mask, The Three Musketeers, Little Women, Alice in Wonderland, and Jane Eyre). I've discovered that books written a hundred or two hundred years ago are, for the most part, far superior to the ones of today. Twilight versus Pride and Prejudice. Twilight has some entertainment value, yet almost no literary value. Pride and Prejudice gives the reader an intellectual look as to the mindset of women during that time period while providing entertainment. Seriously, just talking about it makes you look smarter, while talking about Twilight makes you look creepy. Books have a tendency to suck my soul into their depths and to fill  my mind with information overload. I love learning (on my own, not in an institution), and reading helps me to fulfill that love. I will read a book about anything, any genre, from biographies to law books, fiction and non-fiction, historical dramas to science fiction fantasy. If you are ever at a loss as to what to get me, please, get me a book.

On a completely different note, I hate letting my son cry himself to sleep. It makes me feel horrible, having to listen to him scream himself to sleep. I have an incredibly bad back, and having to rock him and bounce him while he's twisting and turning and fighting off sleep in my arms hurts. Bad. Last night he fell asleep after a few minutes of being alone in his crib. Tonight he cried for maybe ten minutes. That's not a long time, but his cries are so heart wrenching I had to force myself to stay downstairs and just let him be. Balian is getting to a weird phase where he doesn't want to fall asleep until wicked late (midnight late). I can't handle that because after his bedtime is my relaxation time. If he doesn't go to bed until I do, where is my "me time"? So to save my sanity, I will continue to let my son cry himself to sleep, although i do still feel horrible for letting him.

18 March 2011

New Day, New Blog, New Post

Since this is the first post on a new blog, i thought i'd start off with an introduction. My name is Victoria. I'm 23 1/2 years old and i'm the mother to a very hyper 9 1/2 month old boy. My son is my absolute everything. He's been my constant companion since my husband left for training last year. He is the reason i get up in the mornings (literally... He does need to eat). His name is Balian Alexander.

Some things about myself: i adore photograrphy, reading, writing, Facebooking, and spreading my wings in attempts to be creative. I believe in the power of words and i enjoy utilizing wordplay in my writings to convey different senses and meanings.

And 99.9% of the time, i have no idea what i'm talking about. Case in point, my most recent college research paper. For my Sociology class, i wrote about the country of Armenia. Four pages of the paper discussed the history and the impact of the Armenian Genocide. The rest discussed the logistics of the area (geography, population, government, etc). I pulled nearly every word out of thin air, yet still made an 84 on it (i was two pages short of the required length).

I think what i love most about photography is that it enables me to show the world what i see and how i see it. No matter how hard you try, sometimes it's just impossible to see things through the eye of the other person. I like to think that i do a decent job of bringing out my inner sense of sight.

What i dislike the most about photography? Everyone's a photographer. There's very little room to grow in this industry unless you are an amazing whiz with photoshop (which i'm not). Yet still i try, and i hope to one day expand on it and make it into a full time career.

My perfect job is something that incorporates reading, photography, and writing. The good, fundamental, liberal arts job. My favorite books are classics, but i'll write just about anything.

I'm also long-winded, outgoing, and laid back. I tend to be an optimist when faced with pessimists, but pessimistic any other time (although i'm working on that). I'm also incredibly headstrong, quick to apologize, and very very compassionate.