A Mile In My Shoes

Tonight, as I was driving back from picking up dinner, I watched a C-130 circle around our apartment, wheels out, as it readied for its landing on McChord field. I wondered to myself if that was the same C-130 that would be taking my husband off on another of his grand adventures.

One of the questions I am asked most often is, "How do you do it?" Do what? How do I stand slipping into a cold bed at night, knowing that there's not going to be anyone there to warm it up? Or how do I stand listening to my two year old son walking around the house calling for his daddy? Or is it how do I manage to get up in the morning, listening to the news for any sign of trouble, while pretending that everything is okay? There's really only one answer: it's because you don't have a choice.

That's what most non-Military families fail to understand. We don't do this because we're special, because we think we're somehow better than others, because for some reason, we're stronger (mentally and emotionally) than the average person. It's because for us, there's no other option. Sure, I could choose to stay in bed all day, sleeping away the length of time he's gone, sinking into a depression that can only be reversed with his coming home. I won't lie, some days, that's exactly what I want to do, until I hear my two year old start waking up in his room, giggling and talking, and I know it's time to start a new day. My one night of self-pity is over. It's time to carry on.

My husband is at war. He's not sitting in some nice, cushy jet flying to a week long business meeting, or travelling to some exotic location for a company getaway. He's in a war zone, carrying a gun. There is every chance that he could be shot or worse. Those are the harsh realities we face everyday. What I wouldn't give to have him lying on a beach somewhere instead of in 60 pounds of gear that's meant to save his life.

When a civilian looks my husband in the eye and says, "Thank you for your service", they fail to see the tears shed the night he leaves. They don't see the missed birthdays and anniversaries. They don't see the last goodbye's, the midnight Skype calls, the worry or the dread, the absolute heart ache.

Most of you will never understand what this life is like, and I pray everyday that you never have to. 

Having Faith in Yourself

I am my own worst critic. I constantly degrade myself, tell myself that I'll never be good enough, and I'm always questioning my own reasoning and intellect, questioning my motives for everything that I do. However, the entire time I'm destructively criticizing myself, I am consciously aware that the things that I'm telling myself aren't true, or that there is a reason I'm thinking the way that I am thinking. I'm a very confusing mess.

It's a good thing that I'm changing.

I've begun to realize my worth. I've begun to realize that I am worth something to someone, even if it's not myself. I am intelligent, kind, generous, forgiving, strong, independent, beautiful, and a good mother. I am learning not to place my value on wordly things. My grades/GPA do not reflect my intelligence. My submission to my husband does not mean that I'm not a strong-willed individual. My blogging and my Facebooking does not make me a bad mother.

All I've ever asked is that people accept me for who I am. I want them to not only accept me, but accept my flaws. I need them to stop hatefully criticizing me, because I'm no longer listening.

I'm starting out in a new life, in a new way. I'm turning into a businesswoman, thinking and planning out my future. I'm a mom. I'm growing and changing in different ways every day. Some won't like the change. Others may be intimidated by it. But I'm learning to love it.

And that's all that really matters.

Lesson Learned

I am an incredibly selfish person. I am coming to realize this more and more every day, and I dislike it.

So yesterday I found out that, because of a tiny amount of water, my Samsung Instinct had met an untimely demise. This poor phone has been run over by a car, thrown and taken apart more times than should be appropriate, and then was brought down by a drop of water (okay, maybe more than a drop, but still). Now, imagine, if you will, me without a phone. Me, without no line of communication to the outside world. Not having a laptop I can handle, so long as I have my phone. I live off of my phone. And I'm not even lying. It's an incredibly sad realization. I went to three different stores to see what they could do about replacing my phone. The first store sad nada, the second store had a phone I wanted for more than what the retail of it was. By a lot. So the third store it was.

We have a protection plan for my phone. I pay x amount each month so that if I ever break my phone it'll be replaced. They failed to mention that I would have to pay a deductible. And they also failed to mention that it wouldn't be an immediate replacement and that I would not be given a temp phone. But they did say that they could have it to me next day.

Here's where the selfishness kicks in. I didn't know what type of replacement I was going to get. The now broken phone was an outdated model, no longer made. I had bought it incredibly cheap as a refurbed phone. Regardless, I should have sucked it up and dealt with it. But then I saw something shiny. Something with lots of gadgets and gizmos and tricks and it was PURPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have always prided myself on my levels of unselfishness. I'm a very generous person, to a fault. But that new, shiny, purple phone hooked me. It was so pretty! So instead of listening to common sense (which, funnily enough, sounded like my husband), I took the bait, the worm on the end of the hook in the shape of a purple LG Android phone. So instead of paying the deductible, which was cheaper, I bought a brand new phone, a phone I immediately fell in love with.

Needless to say, my husband (my voice of common sense) was not thrilled with this purchase. I was eaten up with guilt over it, even though he forgave me and (semi)laughed about it. The guilt was so horrible, it literally made my stomach ache. So I vowed to return the phone this morning and go for the cheaper alternative. I wanted to make everything better in my eyes so that I could feel worthy of the forgiveness my husband had shown me.

The experience at the store was a humbling one. To. Be. Sure. Not only did I have to explain to the managers what happened and why I was returning this brand new, beautiful and already personalized with Halo ringtones phone, but I had to work through the negotiations in front of the sales associate who saw me in a very distraught state the day before (I have a bad tendency to become highly emotional...). These associates had been the voice of reason, urging me to take the route that common sense had been telling me, and now, a day later, I was back attempting to rectify my mistake. It was excrutiatingly mortifying, and I could practically hear the "I told you so"'s pounding in my head.

As it turns out, I couldn't return the phone and do the insurance claim instead because I had already handed the older, broken phone over and after they've had it for a day, they won't return it. So, I happily humbly took the new phone and left.

I have had to learn a lot of hard lessons in my life, but this outshadows all of them. Although I have a great new phone, a pretty shiny new phone with pirate and Halo ringtones and lots of pretty, shiny apps, I am not exceedingly happy with it. I made a wrong decision. I gave into selfishness all too easily. I gave up patience and gave into the temptation of immediate satisfaction. I failed and I fell. Hard. It is a lesson I will not easily forget.

We are a selfish lot. There is not one person who is exempt from it, no matter how much they try. That doesn't give us an excuse to be, however. It doesn't give us an excuse to give in to our wants without thinking about the consequences or repercussions those wants will have. Instead, we should focus on our needs, and try to meet our needs with as little ripples to other areas of our life as we can possibly make.

I've learned to listen to that voice in the back of my head, that thing called reason. Common sense still eludes me, though I am making strides to capture it.

Lesson learned.

Why I Blog

Today I  have spent the better part of two hours reworking my blogs and adding two new ones to the mix. It made me start thinking and asking myself about why I blog so much, why I put so much of my life out there for the world to read. I came up with two different answers.

The first answer is this: I put what I've learned, what I've been through, how I feel on blogs, I write it all, so that maybe I can help someone else who is going through the same thing. You never know who might be reading your blog. If I can inspire one person, then it's well worth the time.

The second answer? It's for me. And there are a few reasons that I do this for me. Firstly, I have an incredibly horrible memory, as in, I have no memory. If I don't write it down (or type it) then I have and will forget it. Anything from paying bills, to doctor's appointments, to birthdays (I spent the first half of Balian's life trying to remember if he was born on the 10th or the 11th of June). My memory is that bad. So I write and I blog to capture how I was feeling, what I was thinking, at a precise time. It's a memory archive that can't be erased (unless blogger shut down... then I'm just screwed).
   Secondly, I write for encouragement, for criticism, and for praise. I daily need encouragement. Life is hard, and I believe that we should spend time building each other up. I encourage others in different ways. I'm always someones cheerleader. Sometimes, I just want that returned. I'm also open to constructive criticism (don't just tear me down to tear me down, give me ideas on how I can work to become better). I need and crave advice. Sometimes I just can't see things from others points of views, so I need them to show me how to improve. And I just love praise (who doesn't???)!! I love hearing that I've done a good job. This kind of ties in with encouragement.

So that's why I blog, and that's why I will continue to blog. It's a mental release of ideas and thoughts that are written in a way more permanent (and less painful) than paper. I am always open to ideas and thoughts, all I ask is to be considerate of mine.

Who Are You? Who Am I?

My last blog was about why I would not want to be a Pastor's Wife and how, although I did not choose it, I am proud and happy to call myself an Army Wife. Today's is about how, try as you might, you will ultimately define yourself by who you surround yourself with.

I read through the comments on the other blog and the thing that stuck out the most to me was that I need to be true to myself, true to God, and to find my own individuality. However. If I am to be true to myself, I would have to say that I have NO idea WHATSOEVER who I am or who I'm supposed to be. I define myself  by my situation in life and I adapt to wherever I am at the time. Therefore, who I am, changes with time and situations.

For example, although I do not believe I'd make an exemplary Pastor's Wife, if forced with the situation, I'm sure I'd do fine. I adapt. Right now, I am an Army Wife. Regardless of what I do, that defines who I am for the moment since every decision I make, whether it be for myself or my family, revolves around the Army. That is just how it's going to be until John retires.

When John and I married, my life became about him. When I gave birth to our first son, my life expanded to include him. I consider my life fulfilled if I can be the best mom and wife I can be. This doesn't mean I have dreams of my own. This doesn't mean I don't have a personality all my own. Most anyone can tell you that. My greatest dream is to work for National Geographic as a photojournalist, but if I never complete this dream, I know I can live happily knowing that I've done what I could for my family.

My family defines me. My husband's career defines me. My child defines me. And this is true for everyone! No one can truly say that they are living life to their own full potential. No one can say that they are being entirely true to their selves. It's an impossibility.

There are so many things that define us. The people we surround ourselves with. The groups we identify with. Our pasts. Everything. The only thing I can say is that I have the same bubbly, outgoing, spastic personality that I've had since I was in Elementary School. But with more anger issues.

I am an Army Brat. I am an Army Wife. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a pre-eclampsia victim. I have high cholesterol. I am a reader. I am a writer. I am a photographer. I am a student. I am a Christian. This is all what makes me, me. 

Proof of a Creator

Did you know that every color that has ever been thought of, ever manufactured, can be made with four colors: the three primary colors (red, yellow, blue) and white. Pink is simply red and white. Green is blue and yellow. Orange is red and yellow. To get brown you mix orange and red. Blue, green, and brown mixes into black. White and black make gray. Every color of the rainbow is a variation of these four colors. Every variation of gamma rays is a variation of these colors.

The normal strand of human DNA carries the genes for over a billion different combination for hair color, skin color, eye color, height, weight, temperament, ear shape, even eyelash length. Just as the four colors combine into limitless numbers of color, so, too, can the DNA erupt into a billion different possibilities for a human life.

Four different colors. One tiny strand of information. How can information such as this just evolve out of nothing?

I believe in a Creator. I believe in One Supreme Being who shaped our earth into what it is. I believe that He created our world in 6 days and rested on the 7th. This is a basic belief for me. And it's not hard to believe it when I look around.

This Earth is far too grand to have been shaped by anything other than the Maker. There are hidden gems and fascinating discoveries that point to creation by design. The way that the Earth is in the perfect spot to support life, the different layers of the atmosphere that ensure that we aren't burned by the sun. The uniqueness of every fingerprint. For me, it all points to a God who created me, who loves me so much He's given me an entire world to explore.

The next time you see a sunset, a flower, a new animal, think of how it was made. The thought that went into it. Think of its' DNA and the billions of possibilities that it has. Then remember how easy it is to forget that there is something grander than ourselves, that our lives end far too quickly, but that there is something waiting after that means so much more than we can possibly imagine.