In Memoriam

On Thursday, July 14th 2011, my cousin, Carolyn Wilkerson Anderson, tragically lost her life in a car accident. She was a mother of five kids, a daughter, a wife, and a good friend. Whenever I saw Carolyn, around town or at the house, she always had a big smile on her face. Nothing could ever seem to get her down, and in the years I had known her, I can count on one hand the number of times I had seen her cry.

Carolyn was a strong woman. She faced many trials, and was overcoming them. Had she been given more time, she would have triumphed. She was independent and strong-willed, and stubborn as a mule. She had an indomitable spirit, unshaken by tragedy. She was a fighter, who never gave up her battles.

When I remember Carolyn, when we all remember Carolyn, we will remember her smile and her laugh. I will remember her teasing her kids, her chasing Richard around the house so we could all see his Pokemon underwear, and her laughing at us putting make up on. I will remember that she was there should we ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to.

I will see her again, one day. Until then, I'm going to live in a way to make her proud and I'm going to carry the memory of her here on Earth in my heart, forevermore.

We love you, Carolyn.

Having Faith in Yourself

I am my own worst critic. I constantly degrade myself, tell myself that I'll never be good enough, and I'm always questioning my own reasoning and intellect, questioning my motives for everything that I do. However, the entire time I'm destructively criticizing myself, I am consciously aware that the things that I'm telling myself aren't true, or that there is a reason I'm thinking the way that I am thinking. I'm a very confusing mess.

It's a good thing that I'm changing.

I've begun to realize my worth. I've begun to realize that I am worth something to someone, even if it's not myself. I am intelligent, kind, generous, forgiving, strong, independent, beautiful, and a good mother. I am learning not to place my value on wordly things. My grades/GPA do not reflect my intelligence. My submission to my husband does not mean that I'm not a strong-willed individual. My blogging and my Facebooking does not make me a bad mother.

All I've ever asked is that people accept me for who I am. I want them to not only accept me, but accept my flaws. I need them to stop hatefully criticizing me, because I'm no longer listening.

I'm starting out in a new life, in a new way. I'm turning into a businesswoman, thinking and planning out my future. I'm a mom. I'm growing and changing in different ways every day. Some won't like the change. Others may be intimidated by it. But I'm learning to love it.

And that's all that really matters.

The Chaotic Lifestyle I Lead

Here is a review of the life I have lead in the past month.

  Almost a month ago, John's biological mom ended up in the hospital. While she was there, I offered to take in his two youngest sisters, who are still under her care, so that she and her husband could focus on getting her better. Mary (14) and Hallee (12) stayed with me for a little over a week while their parents battled to make Donna (John's mom) get better (which has been successful thus far). On July 2nd, the girls went home to help start cleaning the monstrosity of mess that is their house. Mary came back home with me that night while Hallee (thankfully) stayed with her mom at her house. Mary stayed with me for another week before heading down to North Carolina to stay with her sister and her aunt. A day after she left, I left for Missouri, where I met with adversity, greed, selfishness, doubt, and criticism, all in a matter of ten days. It was good to see my grandparents and the rest of my family, though, and to hear how much Balian looks like me for a change. On Monday the 19th of July, Balian and I flew back to Roanoke and drove three and a half hours down to Raleigh, NC to pick Mary up. The next day, we drove back to Lynchburg and I was reunited with a very ecstatic furball. On Wednesday of that week I drove out to my doctor's office in Charlotte Court House (an hour away) to have bloodwork done for my liver and cholesterol. As it so happens to turn out, my doc appointment wasn't Wednesday, it had been Monday. They couldn't squeeze me in that day, so they rescheduled me for the following day (Thursday) so I drove the hour drive back disappointed and somewhat perturbed, although grateful that the photographer I'm supposed to be meeting with to mentor me had to cancel our Thursday session because of the extreme heat (she's nearly 8 months pregnant), which meant I had free time to reschedule the doctor appointment. So Thursday, I made the hour drive back to Charlotte Court House, spent an hour in the waiting room with two other patients, to be then taken back to have my blood drawn in two minutes by a nurse, not to be seen by my doctor, and then drive an hour back. I was not a happy person, and I still have not received my blood results (have to wait until Monday). Friday (yesterday) I drove out to LU campus so that I could run some errands. I met up with Donna (who had driven out to pick Mary up for the weekend, if not for the rest of the summer), grabbed a coffee, and proceeded to LUPD to pick up a decal (which are not available until the start of the semester) and to get a Flames Pass (the people in the office were at Freshmen Orientation, so that turned out void as well). Then a Walmart trip and home, where I worked on a new wreath, made stuffed shells for a lovely evening dinner in which I was joined by a very good and amazing friend. 

And in that time, I've managed to finish reading two novels, study for the American Lit Clep test, delve a little bit into the world of Literary Criticism, clean out my closet, organize all of John's notes and classwork from his four years at Emmanuel college, and entertain a 13 month old boy. Why yes, yes you may call me Superwoman.

Today has been a phenomenal day. I came up with the idea to start making and selling wreaths, was invited to co-author a book review blog (which I consider a great honor because of the level of respect I hold for the main author), finished a new wreath (one of the best ones I've made), wrote my first review for the blog, and will soon be making spaghetti for dinner. It has been the most relaxing day I've had in a month.

So if you've been wondering why I've not returned texts, emails, or Facebook messages, now you know.

Monday, I meet with the photographer for a lesson on lighting, composition, and etc. Wednesday my sister in law is coming to Lynchburg for the day, so it will be a day filled with family. And then I have almost nothing to do until the 5th of August, when I will be spending a week visiting family and friends in Georgia. Followed by the start of another semester.

If anyone asks me what I did for my summer vacation, I'm totally replying with, "I ventured to Mt. Doom to help Frodo toss the One Ring into the fiery abyss, helped crown Aragorn as King, then travelled all over Middle Earth until it was time to head home with Gandalf."

A New Business Venture

Last Christmas (I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away... And now you have that song stuck in your head.) I made my first Christmas wreath. It was an evergreen wreath that I decorated with blue and silver ornaments. It turned out really well, I received tons of compliments on it and the garland I had made to go with it, and I even had some people ask me to make some for them.

The other day, I made a wreath to hang on my front door, a traditional grapevine with orange and white flowers and an apple hanging in the center. I love making wreaths. I love the way they look, I love playing with the different colors.

I'm hoping to start making wreaths to sell to others. A wreath on your front door makes your home feel welcoming and festive. Plus, selling them gives me an excuse to make them. :D

The price is $5 plus the cost of materials (if I spent $10 on the materials, your final cost is $15). I've looked at similar wreaths at both Walmart, Etsy, and Michael's, and they mainly go for $30+, so I think the pricing I've come up with is pretty fair. I'm not looking to turn a profit, just wanting to share some of this creativity with others!

If you have something specific you want on your wreath (your name, house number, etc), let me know and I will make it for you.

I use standard grapevine wreaths, 14-18 inches. If you would like something different than that, please let me know!

Starting in October, I will be making Holiday wreaths, for both Thanksgiving and Christmas (Or Hannukah or Kwanza, whatever you prefer).

Email me with specifics if you want to order a handmade wreath (annehershman@gmail.com)!!

Wreath #1:

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, it's definitley been an EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK kind of day.

Let me start by saying this past week has been a huge trial. I've taken in John's smallest sisters (14 and 12 years old). They're staying with me through the fourth while their family sorts out issues. I love both of them to death, but... Yeah... It's been a very frustrating week.

So this morning I woke up to my phone ringing, it's little notification ringtone saying I had a message or email. I checked it and saw that it was an email from Dan Pearce, founder and author of the Single Dad Laughing blog. He informed me that our photo (Long Distance Dad) had been picked as a winner in the photo contest he had been hosting! We won a portable grill!!!! That was excitement upon excitement!!

After getting everyone up, dressed, fed, and ready for a long hard day of cleaning at their house, I received another email, this one from a local photographer who has agreed to let me tag along on a few sessions and even do a one on one session!! (Check out Live Simply Photography!!) I'll be able to finally receive some constructive criticism on my own shots as well as learn from one of the top photographers in the area! So I'm super excited about that!

It's only 10:30, I still have errands to run and a house to clean, but today is looking like a brilliant day.

To all the Men out there.

This is for the men: Stop wearing tight pants. And please! Put a shirt on! Do you have any idea how many women you are causing to lust after your amazingly tight abs and butt? Do you know how many women masturbate thinking of you hovering over them? If you had any decency, you'd dress in a sack cloth.

Now that that's out of my system...

I recently read a blog/note/message/whatever over how women need to start dressing more modestly, need to stop wearing bikini's, need to stop posting pictures of themselves in said articles of clothing because it's causing men to lust and masturbate. To their pictures. Because it could be considered soft core porn.

First off, gross. Seriously.

Secondly, WHAT??????

I agree that women, in general (which means myself included) need to start dressing in a manner that is becoming of them, being mindful of their figures and their ample *ahem* if they have any. I get it. So does every other woman out there. So why do men feel like they need to remind us, at every turn, that a woman is dressed "immodestly"? Seriously? Do they even realize what "immodesty" is?

Guys, learn some self control already. And quit blaming the women because you can't keep your hands off your penis. And thanks for proving that you are, indeed, the weaker sex.

Yes, women should dress more appropriately. No, they should not be intentionally putting risque pictures of themselves on Facebook. But seriously? A bikini? Guys, if you're going to masturbate to a girl who's wearing a bikini in a completely innocent picture, then please stay away from any pool or beach area. Please.

I think what makes me the most upset about all of this is the fact that it is all pointed at women. Women need to dress more modestly. Women need to be mindful of their surroundings. Women need to dress like they did back in the fifties or before (no ankles showing!).

And the men? Where are the articles about how men need to stop posting pictures of themselves in boxers? Or shirtless? Or flat out naked? However, when a guy does it, it's just funny. Because, you know, women don't lust. Or get addicted to porn. Because it's all about the men.

Here's a secret I've never divulged before (I was waiting to publish my auto-biography for it). I used to be addicted to porn. Yup. Me. I watched porn. So there you have it. I stopped by the aid of a loving and cherished boyfriend (now husband). I've never fallen back into it, although I do still have major lust issues (thank GOD I'm married).

I am so sick and tired of being told that I'm leading another person into sin. Know what? By telling me that, you're leading me into sin because I'm secretly reveling in the idea of grabbing a sword and lopping your penis off.

Are guys just so oblivious to the fact that women lust, too, that it becomes all about what women should do to keep their fellow man from falling? I'm feeling very medievally all of a sudden (BAD EVE! BAD!). Even if women no longer created porn or was involved in it, there would still be something else that we would be doing to make you fall.

Fact: Men think about sex every 8 seconds, while some women can go months without it crossing their mind. Men, you're going to lust regardless. So please STOP blaming the women for it and actually take control of yourselves! Stop using us as a scapegoat!

So, now that the rant is over...

Men, please be sensitive of what you are asking of women. Women do not place pictures of themselves in bikinis for your pleasure. They do not post them to make you fall or stumble. And the DEFINITELY don't post them for you to masturbate to. It's for other women, to show off to other women that we are skinnier than they are, that we can fill it out better than they can. It's for others to see and to appreciate what they see, in a completely unlustful way. Yes, I'm well aware that it is not a pure reason, and no, it's not a good Christian example (if you are a Christian), but it's the truth. Women like to be marvelled at. Thanks to your porn problem, most of us feel like the only way we can be marvelled at is if we have a perfect figure (big breasts, big butt, waist smaller than our necks). So we compensate. It's a vicious cycle. The more you look at porn, the more we're going to try to be like the women in them because you've made it abundantly clear that's what you find attractive.

So the next time you want to blame a woman for how she dresses because it's making you stumble, go take a long hard look in a mirror. You'll be looking at the reason she dresses that way.

Also, why you're at it, check out Single Dad Laughing's blog over this same discussion. He words it in a way that is so amazing.

Lesson Learned

I am an incredibly selfish person. I am coming to realize this more and more every day, and I dislike it.

So yesterday I found out that, because of a tiny amount of water, my Samsung Instinct had met an untimely demise. This poor phone has been run over by a car, thrown and taken apart more times than should be appropriate, and then was brought down by a drop of water (okay, maybe more than a drop, but still). Now, imagine, if you will, me without a phone. Me, without no line of communication to the outside world. Not having a laptop I can handle, so long as I have my phone. I live off of my phone. And I'm not even lying. It's an incredibly sad realization. I went to three different stores to see what they could do about replacing my phone. The first store sad nada, the second store had a phone I wanted for more than what the retail of it was. By a lot. So the third store it was.

We have a protection plan for my phone. I pay x amount each month so that if I ever break my phone it'll be replaced. They failed to mention that I would have to pay a deductible. And they also failed to mention that it wouldn't be an immediate replacement and that I would not be given a temp phone. But they did say that they could have it to me next day.

Here's where the selfishness kicks in. I didn't know what type of replacement I was going to get. The now broken phone was an outdated model, no longer made. I had bought it incredibly cheap as a refurbed phone. Regardless, I should have sucked it up and dealt with it. But then I saw something shiny. Something with lots of gadgets and gizmos and tricks and it was PURPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have always prided myself on my levels of unselfishness. I'm a very generous person, to a fault. But that new, shiny, purple phone hooked me. It was so pretty! So instead of listening to common sense (which, funnily enough, sounded like my husband), I took the bait, the worm on the end of the hook in the shape of a purple LG Android phone. So instead of paying the deductible, which was cheaper, I bought a brand new phone, a phone I immediately fell in love with.

Needless to say, my husband (my voice of common sense) was not thrilled with this purchase. I was eaten up with guilt over it, even though he forgave me and (semi)laughed about it. The guilt was so horrible, it literally made my stomach ache. So I vowed to return the phone this morning and go for the cheaper alternative. I wanted to make everything better in my eyes so that I could feel worthy of the forgiveness my husband had shown me.

The experience at the store was a humbling one. To. Be. Sure. Not only did I have to explain to the managers what happened and why I was returning this brand new, beautiful and already personalized with Halo ringtones phone, but I had to work through the negotiations in front of the sales associate who saw me in a very distraught state the day before (I have a bad tendency to become highly emotional...). These associates had been the voice of reason, urging me to take the route that common sense had been telling me, and now, a day later, I was back attempting to rectify my mistake. It was excrutiatingly mortifying, and I could practically hear the "I told you so"'s pounding in my head.

As it turns out, I couldn't return the phone and do the insurance claim instead because I had already handed the older, broken phone over and after they've had it for a day, they won't return it. So, I happily humbly took the new phone and left.

I have had to learn a lot of hard lessons in my life, but this outshadows all of them. Although I have a great new phone, a pretty shiny new phone with pirate and Halo ringtones and lots of pretty, shiny apps, I am not exceedingly happy with it. I made a wrong decision. I gave into selfishness all too easily. I gave up patience and gave into the temptation of immediate satisfaction. I failed and I fell. Hard. It is a lesson I will not easily forget.

We are a selfish lot. There is not one person who is exempt from it, no matter how much they try. That doesn't give us an excuse to be, however. It doesn't give us an excuse to give in to our wants without thinking about the consequences or repercussions those wants will have. Instead, we should focus on our needs, and try to meet our needs with as little ripples to other areas of our life as we can possibly make.

I've learned to listen to that voice in the back of my head, that thing called reason. Common sense still eludes me, though I am making strides to capture it.

Lesson learned.